Saturday, May 20, 2006

This is the one where I lay it all out there (well, most of it)

Okay, so if you read my blog very often, or if you've read anything in the past few weeks, you are probably aware of my latest drama. If not, go here and here and read those first. I'll wait.

All caught up? Good. Let's move forward.

So the last time I wrote about my seizure issues I had just come home from the hospital from being tortured (okay, "Evaluated") for a week.

I went to see my neurologist this past Monday for a follow-up in hopes of some answers. Instead, I left with more confusion and more questions. No one has any idea what in the heck is wrong with me. My highly-intelligent, used-to-be-head-of-a-seizure-department neurologist is "Stumped and intrigued" (his words) with my case. Thankfully, he wants nothing to do with playing the 'Medicine Game' with me and truly wants to figure out what's going on. For that, I truly respect and admire him.

This new medication I'm on is leaps and bounds better than the last, because I'm not all spacey and walking around like a zombie, BUT I'm extremely drowsy and I have no (I mean ZIP, zilcho, nadda!) energy or motivation to do anything.

Plus? I'm still having seizures!!!! *GRRR!* And it's really starting to freak me out / tick me off. Because, well.....I almost drowned in the bathtub on Tuesday.

Yeah, I'll give you a minute for the images to sink in of what could have very easily been the alternate outcome.

Monday night I had a seizure while I was sitting on the couch watching the Mavs kick some San Antonio tail on TV. Every other time I've seized, I could feel it coming on. This one hit me like a Mack truck and all I could get out to warn Jake was "Ja..." and then I was in a full-blown seizure.

Tuesday, as soon as Jake got home from work, I went into the bathroom to take a bath. Kale had gone across the street to play, Jake was cooking dinner, and I was grody and smelly from swimming all day, so I decided to relax in the tub.

Jake thought I had gone across to get Kale.

About 5 minutes later, the neighbor called my cell phone and Jake realized I wasn't over there. He came looking for me around the house and found me floating in a full bathtub with just my face sticking up out of the water completely unresponsive.

*Sitting here thinking about it, I can't help but have the images in my mind of my husband's face finding me or the thought of my sweet babies growing up without me.

I am not one to spill my guts with all of my junk. Mostly because I don't like to sound like I'm whining and I really hate the type of attention this kind of thing receives. I think I might explode if one more person asks me how I'm feeling or how sorry they are for me that I'm going through this. Well, I'm not sorry, to be completely honest. And I'm sorry if I sound brazen or harsh. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm going through this for a reason and God never, ever, not once said life was without trials. People who have gone through life without adversity aren't exactly outstanding, interesting, inspiring people (I'm not saying I'm any of those things). I am just a girl that wants to look back on my life and be able to point out the exact moments God was orchestrating monumental, supernatural events that were completely beyond my control and so much bigger than me that I will never be able to comprehend their magnitude in this lifetime. This is probably going to be one of them. I don't know.

All that said, it doesn't mean I'm taking all of this in stride, because I'm not. I may look like I am and I may feed you some great lip service if you ask me how things are going, but it's all a bunch of crap. Mostly because I don't want to admit I have absolutely zero control over this.

I do not want to be the girl everyone feels sorry for or feels like they have to take care of. I am not a person that depends on others. I do not do drama!! It goes against everything in my being to be taken care of. I am the one who is always the care-taker. I have always been to one who could take care of herself when no one else would. I have always been the one people could go to when they needed help. (Seeing a pattern here?)

Obviously this is a huge lesson in pride for me, because I have a very hard time admitting that, without Christ, I am a worthless, wretched individual who couldn't do a darn thing for herself.

So I guess the point of this rant is two-fold.

1) I am going to humble myself for a moment and stop trying to be funny and sarcastic and portraying the "I have it all together" look to solicit your prayers. I need healing. Spiritual healing, Physical healing, and Mental healing. Because through all of this, my body, my brain and my spirit are all very tired. Exhausted, in fact. And my sweet, amazing husband is about to buckle from all of the pressure of added responsibilities due to my inability to perform my daily duties.

In addition to the healing process, I want to be aware of what God is trying to poor out of me; the junk He is trying to remove from my messed up little brain and replace with something Holy and worthy of praise.

2) Just get it all of my chest. I am not dealing well with my sudden loss of independence. To put it into perspective, if I don't have another seizure from right now (Please, God!) I will not be able to drive a vehicle again until Thanksgiving! No running to the store to pick up that one item I need to finish dinner, no running the boys to wrestling practice, no trips to Chic-fil-A for lunch and an ice cream to break up the day, no trips to the zoo or the movies this summer, no bible studies. None of that. I can't even schedule hair appointments during the week because I have to wait until the weekend so Jake can take me (when he'd much rather be playing golf with his friends or hanging out with us). All of my doctor's appointments? Jake has to take off work for every one of them. And? I can't even take a stinkin' bath or shower without putting it out on a flashing marque.

So after writing all of this down and going back to read it, this is the one thing that God is hitting me over the head with: "I am going to do something so amazing with this. Just wait. Just be still and wait."

So here I am...waiting. As joyfully as possible. Because there are women without husbands to take care of them with the abundant love and tenderness that Jake gives me. There are families who do not have health insurance, nor the means to pay for medical bills. There are people going through this without a love for the Lord to give them the peace of knowing that He has a plan for them; a plan to prosper them and not to harm them. There are people going through so much worse who do not have countless people concerned enough to care how they are feeling and who are committed to praying for their complete healing and recovery.

So I will consider myself blessed and be joyful in knowing that God has something phenomenal in store at the end of this rainy season. I'll be here waiting under my umbrella watching for a rainbow.

24 Comments:

At 5/20/2006 8:36 AM, Blogger the voice said...

Wow, what an amazing woman. I am not ashamed to admit that I actually started crying as I read your post. To be so upbeat, and to be praising God during your lowest moments, I can't help but think of the Psalms David wrote while in hiding, and fearing for his life. You have an incredible faith there. Don't ever lose it. I will be praying for you, and I am going to put you on my churches prayer chain. God bless you, and of course, your family, Ken

 
At 5/20/2006 10:53 AM, Blogger PEZmama said...

So, if I could be with you in person, the frist thing iwould say to you is, "So, how are you feeling" (wry smile...)

Then I would ask if I could pray with you right now.

Since I can't give you the wry smile to let you know I am just kidding, I will not make the first comment.

And since I can't ask if I can pray with you, I'll just do it without asking.

Lord,
Please send your healing and your peace. Revive her spirits with your presence even, and especially, when she is frustrated and tired from this illness. Please keep her safe in the bathtub. Please send people who can be there to take her to the doctor and help with the house. And remind her that those people are how you love her,tangibly, through this. Give her a willingness to receive help and a clarity of thought to discern what you are trying to accomplish through this.

And please bless Jake. Give him strength and patience. Send support for him in the form of friends and family who will help with his added responsibilities. And, in all of this, make this family's heart more tender towards you.

Amen.

 
At 5/21/2006 12:42 PM, Blogger Sarah's In the Midst of It said...

Minnie, do you by any chance work at FC? I'm not sure if we've met; maybe we have and I'm not putting a name and face together. If you do, I would like to help you out somehow, maybe a meal or something? We've recently had our own crisis, and I've felt more support from FC than ever before. So I'd like to do something with that . . . And if you don't, the offer for help is still good, since we seem to live in the same area. And I will pray for you and for your husband. Times like these are not fun, are they?

 
At 5/21/2006 6:01 PM, Blogger Carol said...

I am praying for you, Minnie. And I can help you. I can give Jake a break here and there - run you to an appointment or out to do a few errands. Email me. We can do this.

 
At 5/21/2006 6:32 PM, Blogger Minnie said...

Sarah ~ I'm not on staff, but Jake and I are the Ministry Leaders for the preschool at Alliance, so that's probably where you've heard my name. We were also service leaders at GV before we started up Alliance.

Thank you s much for the dinner offer. I truly appreciate it. However, our Home Team as well as all of the volunteers in the PS have done abundantly more than we could ever have imagined for us. We are SOOOO blessed in that realm.

I didn't mean for this to sound like we are stranded out here helpless with no support system, because that simply isn't true. I have just hit a point of frustration and we both feel our knees buckling with the weight of the situation. Not having answers has been the hardest thing, followed closely by having my freedom ripped out from underneath me.

Thanks again for the kind offer. I will certainly keep it in mind. At the very least, we should get together (when you're able with that sweet new baby girl!). I think our boys would really enjoy each other (as well as you and I).

 
At 5/22/2006 8:10 AM, Blogger Susan said...

I love you. Hang in there, I am praying.

Email me, I didn't get to call this weekend.

I think I may be able to help.

I AM SERIOUS! EMAIL ME! RIGHT NOW!

Don't you love bossy friends? :)

 
At 5/22/2006 12:00 PM, Blogger Karen said...

Minnie-
I found your blog from Blogging Chicks! I am one too! I was reading just a little bit of this post and I wanted you to know I am praying for you. The scripture that comes to my mind is how our bodies, outwardly are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day (2 Cor 4:16). Keep trusting Him!
I saw a comment on there about FC...if I read code correctly, we watch EY(Jr.) on TV every Sunday and my husband listens to his podcasts...we visited there one time when we were in seminary in FtWorth, and of course, loved it.
God Bless you and your family.

 
At 5/23/2006 12:47 PM, Blogger Faith said...

Wow, i am behind. Sorry you are having so many seizures. i don't know how much of my blog you've read, but my little man has them too. NOT FUN! I'll be praying for you!

 
At 5/23/2006 5:10 PM, Blogger Miss Tresninos said...

It is wonderful that you are able to see God's work through this. I know how you feel about telling others about these things 'cuz you don't want to feel whiny but be assured that those who hear it will simply desire to pray for you, which is what I'll be doing. May the Lord give you comfort and keep you safe through this trial and especially may He heal you completely. I will be praying for the doctor's to have wisdom too. I'm so glad they are actively pursuing this.

God Bless.

Sara

 
At 5/23/2006 5:15 PM, Blogger Pam in Colorado said...

Wow! Not a great way to walk so closely with the Lord, but a great way to spread the gospel and your love for Him!!

I love how you are a witness in your weakness. I too am "the caretaker" of so many others. It is difficult to humble yourself and allow others to step in on your behalf when you are wired this way. I am learning. Hope to not have to go through what you are, but would if that was how I would best learn and serve the Lord.

Hang in there. Glad you have such a wonderful husband. I pray that you both find rest and peace through this. You are both inspiring.

Pam in Colorado

 
At 5/23/2006 5:32 PM, Anonymous shannon @ rocks in my dryer said...

Minnie, thank you for your honesty. God IS being glorified in your life, right now.

 
At 5/23/2006 7:55 PM, Anonymous eph2810 said...

Oh my - what a powerful post Minnie :). You are a true warrior and know what is most important in life.
You are truly blessed to have a hubby like this. God will see you through this season. He is faithful.
I'll be praying for you to receive healing.

 
At 5/23/2006 10:45 PM, Blogger Anita said...

Wow, you have an amazing attitude! I would be a total and complete whiner in the same situation. God is truly being glorified through you. I just pray that the doctors will get to the bottom of this and you will find relief from all the seizures.

And, have a wonderfully, relaxing vacation!

 
At 5/24/2006 3:29 AM, Blogger Susanna said...

Hi there.
Thank you for your willingness to truly share how you feel and for your obvious reliance on God and His word. How wonderful that we have a God who honours those that honour Him, and if your witness to others is not honouring then I don't know what is!

I work in healthcare, and for all we do know, there is so much we don't know especially about the brain. But your God is the creator of the brain, and He knows. HE has also promised not to give us more to cope with than we can bear. May you and yours truly know this.Hope you have a fantastic break. I am so gload you have people around to support you. Wasn't God so kind and thoughtful in instituing the local church anf fellowship of believers?

 
At 5/24/2006 7:10 AM, Blogger Bethany said...

Minnie,

I know you aren't after praise, but your post impressed me tremendously. I guess we can give God the glory for that. You were so honest without pleading in despair. I'm not so sure I could be so strong.

Do know that I am adding you and your family to my prayer list. I'll be praying that God grants you peace as you go through this trial.

Take care. God loves you.

 
At 5/24/2006 7:27 AM, Blogger Heather Ivester said...

Minnie, I found your blog a few weeks ago from Jeana at Days to Come. I wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you!

My brother started having seizures when he was a teenager. He was always the healthiest kid -- nothing led up to this. We still don't know what caused it. But they were grand mal seizures, and he'd pass out completely. A couple of times, he fell and hurt himself, so he couldn't drive for a while. It was a scary time.

But finally, the doctors found the perfect medication, the perfect dosage. My brother is 33 years old now, owns his own successful software business, and is happily married, leading a normal life. He's taken the medication for almost 20 years. No big deal. Whenever he goes off it, he has a seizure. So he just stays on it.

I pray that God would help your doctors properly diagnose you so they can find a medication you need. It's really more common than it seems.

I just finished reading a wonderful book called "90 Minutes in Heaven" about a man who had to learn to live after a debilitating accident, while losing his independence. I found it a very encouraging book!

God bless!

 
At 5/24/2006 1:24 PM, Blogger Aimee said...

Praying for you, Minnie.

"For I know the plans I have for you . . ."

Praise God your able to look for the rainbow!

 
At 5/24/2006 4:28 PM, Blogger Minnie said...

Thank you all so much for your prayers and encouraging words. It is so overwhelming knowing I have so many countless people praying for me...people who don't even know me.

 
At 5/26/2006 1:51 PM, Blogger Lauren said...

Praying for you too, Minnie. Hope you have a great seizure-free vacation in Mexico.

 
At 6/01/2006 3:22 PM, Blogger KP said...

Minnie.....I will hold be keeping you in my prayers. Can't what to see what God does in your life through this trial.

 
At 6/02/2006 10:43 PM, Blogger Jen said...

Minnie,
I haven't been checking blogs lately, so I had to catch up on you. I will be praying for you absolutely!! I hope you are able to relax and enjoy your vacation with your hunny bunny.
Hugs,
Jen

P.S. Please tell Jacob that I miss him!! And if possible make kissing sounds to gross him out.

 
At 9/02/2006 2:26 PM, Anonymous Lela said...

Wow! I know that this is an old post & don't know if you will get this, but thanks for being real. I have learned so much from bloggers! It gives me the confidence to be real too. You are so blessed to know how God works at your young age. I'm just getting it in my 40's, but so glad now than later.

 
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