This is the one where I lay it all out there (well, most of it)

Okay, so if you read my blog very often, or if you've read anything in the past few weeks, you are probably aware of my latest drama. If not, go here and here and read those first. I'll wait.

All caught up? Good. Let's move forward.

So the last time I wrote about my seizure issues I had just come home from the hospital from being tortured (okay, "Evaluated") for a week.

I went to see my neurologist this past Monday for a follow-up in hopes of some answers. Instead, I left with more confusion and more questions. No one has any idea what in the heck is wrong with me. My highly-intelligent, used-to-be-head-of-a-seizure-department neurologist is "Stumped and intrigued" (his words) with my case. Thankfully, he wants nothing to do with playing the 'Medicine Game' with me and truly wants to figure out what's going on. For that, I truly respect and admire him.

This new medication I'm on is leaps and bounds better than the last, because I'm not all spacey and walking around like a zombie, BUT I'm extremely drowsy and I have no (I mean ZIP, zilcho, nadda!) energy or motivation to do anything.

Plus? I'm still having seizures!!!! *GRRR!* And it's really starting to freak me out / tick me off. Because, well.....I almost drowned in the bathtub on Tuesday.

Yeah, I'll give you a minute for the images to sink in of what could have very easily been the alternate outcome.

Monday night I had a seizure while I was sitting on the couch watching the Mavs kick some San Antonio tail on TV. Every other time I've seized, I could feel it coming on. This one hit me like a Mack truck and all I could get out to warn Jake was "Ja..." and then I was in a full-blown seizure.

Tuesday, as soon as Jake got home from work, I went into the bathroom to take a bath. Kale had gone across the street to play, Jake was cooking dinner, and I was grody and smelly from swimming all day, so I decided to relax in the tub.

Jake thought I had gone across to get Kale.

About 5 minutes later, the neighbor called my cell phone and Jake realized I wasn't over there. He came looking for me around the house and found me floating in a full bathtub with just my face sticking up out of the water completely unresponsive.

*Sitting here thinking about it, I can't help but have the images in my mind of my husband's face finding me or the thought of my sweet babies growing up without me.

I am not one to spill my guts with all of my junk. Mostly because I don't like to sound like I'm whining and I really hate the type of attention this kind of thing receives. I think I might explode if one more person asks me how I'm feeling or how sorry they are for me that I'm going through this. Well, I'm not sorry, to be completely honest. And I'm sorry if I sound brazen or harsh. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm going through this for a reason and God never, ever, not once said life was without trials. People who have gone through life without adversity aren't exactly outstanding, interesting, inspiring people (I'm not saying I'm any of those things). I am just a girl that wants to look back on my life and be able to point out the exact moments God was orchestrating monumental, supernatural events that were completely beyond my control and so much bigger than me that I will never be able to comprehend their magnitude in this lifetime. This is probably going to be one of them. I don't know.

All that said, it doesn't mean I'm taking all of this in stride, because I'm not. I may look like I am and I may feed you some great lip service if you ask me how things are going, but it's all a bunch of crap. Mostly because I don't want to admit I have absolutely zero control over this.

I do not want to be the girl everyone feels sorry for or feels like they have to take care of. I am not a person that depends on others. I do not do drama!! It goes against everything in my being to be taken care of. I am the one who is always the care-taker. I have always been to one who could take care of herself when no one else would. I have always been the one people could go to when they needed help. (Seeing a pattern here?)

Obviously this is a huge lesson in pride for me, because I have a very hard time admitting that, without Christ, I am a worthless, wretched individual who couldn't do a darn thing for herself.

So I guess the point of this rant is two-fold.

1) I am going to humble myself for a moment and stop trying to be funny and sarcastic and portraying the "I have it all together" look to solicit your prayers. I need healing. Spiritual healing, Physical healing, and Mental healing. Because through all of this, my body, my brain and my spirit are all very tired. Exhausted, in fact. And my sweet, amazing husband is about to buckle from all of the pressure of added responsibilities due to my inability to perform my daily duties.

In addition to the healing process, I want to be aware of what God is trying to poor out of me; the junk He is trying to remove from my messed up little brain and replace with something Holy and worthy of praise.

2) Just get it all of my chest. I am not dealing well with my sudden loss of independence. To put it into perspective, if I don't have another seizure from right now (Please, God!) I will not be able to drive a vehicle again until Thanksgiving! No running to the store to pick up that one item I need to finish dinner, no running the boys to wrestling practice, no trips to Chic-fil-A for lunch and an ice cream to break up the day, no trips to the zoo or the movies this summer, no bible studies. None of that. I can't even schedule hair appointments during the week because I have to wait until the weekend so Jake can take me (when he'd much rather be playing golf with his friends or hanging out with us). All of my doctor's appointments? Jake has to take off work for every one of them. And? I can't even take a stinkin' bath or shower without putting it out on a flashing marque.

So after writing all of this down and going back to read it, this is the one thing that God is hitting me over the head with: "I am going to do something so amazing with this. Just wait. Just be still and wait."

So here I am...waiting. As joyfully as possible. Because there are women without husbands to take care of them with the abundant love and tenderness that Jake gives me. There are families who do not have health insurance, nor the means to pay for medical bills. There are people going through this without a love for the Lord to give them the peace of knowing that He has a plan for them; a plan to prosper them and not to harm them. There are people going through so much worse who do not have countless people concerned enough to care how they are feeling and who are committed to praying for their complete healing and recovery.

So I will consider myself blessed and be joyful in knowing that God has something phenomenal in store at the end of this rainy season. I'll be here waiting under my umbrella watching for a rainbow.