Sunday, October 22, 2006

You might be a Redneck if...

If you've been reading my wildly entertaining and witty little blog for very long (please know that statement is drenched in sarcasm), then you know I come should I put this....a long line of Hillbillies. Trailer Park dwellers. Country Folk. Good 'ole Boys.

You get the picture.

As mightily as I've tried to instill The Ways of the Suburban Yuppie into my children, giving them nary a glimpse of living in the sticks, only having neighbors with 5 teeth, and having a driveway consisting of dirt and potholes (that you should NOT drive down after a rain storm if you plan to leave again before the ground dries), somehow they have still managed to show off their hillbilly roots.

Kale more blatantly than anyone, what with his constant urges to drop trow on our front porch and pee into the yard. While traffic drives by. Did I mention our house is at the end of a cul-de-sac that butts up to the main road in our neighborhood? Or that we live directly next door to the school? And that he does this while he waits for Jacob to get home? And that all of the super-uptight moms that actually walk to the school to pick up their kids instead of stay home and watch t.v. see him and almost pass flat out behind their double jogging strollers and land on their velvet-jogging suit-clad behinds?

What was I saying? Oh yes... My Jeff Foxworthy-aspiring son.

The other night as I stood in my kitchen cookin' supper barefoot preparing the evening meal, Kale ran around shoeless and shirtless with fudgesicle and snot dried on his face played contently in our backyard on the kids' swing set/fort thingy. *What DO you call those monster, wood contraptions every backyard in suburbia has towering over our nicely stained privacy fences?

Anywho, he was playing in the backyard, I was cooking, and The Two Jakes were at wrestling practice. After they got home, I called Kale in for dinner.

During dinner, the following conversation ensued:

Kale (excitement oozing out of every fiber in his body): "Guess what!?"

Me: "You want to grow up to be a bazillionaire and buy your mom and dad a house in Italy and support my shopping hobby for the remainder of my years." (Hey. A girl can dream, can't she? I have an undying love for Italian shoes like any self-respecting fashionista.)

Kale (with a VERY proud grin plastered across his face): "I pooped in the back yard!"

(I swear I'm not making this up)

Jake and I in unison: "You did WHAT!?"

Jake (with me laughing uncontrollably under the table while he glared at me in disdain because he blames me for our boys' love of bathroom humor.) (Come on, it's FUNNY!!!!): "Well did you clean it up?"

Me (still snickering and giggling like the mature adult I am): "Dude. It's dark outside. Besides - how are we supposed to decipher dog poop from kid poop?"

Kale: "That's okay. The dogs ate it anyway." Followed by a big, satisfying belly laugh.


Yes, people. That's right. Hillbilly IS genetic. No matter how hard you try to keep it from rearing it's toothless, mullet-laden head, there's no use in fighting it.

I'm pretty sure it's just a matter of time for him to clear out the sink before he pees in it.

And what a proud Momma I'll be on that day. Because it will mean he is not doing it on the front lawn.


At 10/23/2006 10:15 AM, Blogger PEZmama said...

Well, apparantly, my kids have got some redneck in them too. We have had many a similar experience, the most recent of which was when my son, who could not be bothered to go to the TOILET (Gasp,) was playing in the garage and decided that the citronella bucket candle that was nearby would work just as well for a little peeing.

I feel your pain, girl.

And, it is "whom." You may be a hillbilly, but at least you can speak you some grammar good.

At 10/23/2006 10:39 AM, Blogger Erica's Enlightenment's said...

Minnie, that is too much!!! One of the guys at my work the other day was in a foul mood and when I asked him what was bothering him he replied " my son took a crap in the floor vent in his bedroom and my wife won't clean it up!" I thought the poor guy was going to kick me when I fell on the floor laughing!!! I have got to meet this kid of yours!

At 10/23/2006 10:56 AM, Blogger Minnie said...

Oh, you both made me spit on my computer screen. Peeing in the citronella? Perhaps he thought it would mask the 'musky' smell??

And pooping in the floor vent!!!??? Well that kid just puts Kale to SHAME! I almost lost it when I read that one.

At 10/23/2006 7:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

(a political correctness disclaimer,for those who don't say it like it is, I know what I used to be, scratch the surface & it's still there, so I feel justified in what I say, K,done now.)
I feel your hillbilly white trash pain! I DO, cause I know it so well.
Your try to breed it out of them, teach it out of them, beg and plead it out of them. And NOTHING works.
I have girls, (no yard pee-ers amoung 'em) but they have their own set of white trash-ed-ness problems. Going bare foot seems to be one of their genetic school.Home, no big deal. No they have to do it at the the winter. Do you know what that call from the principal is like? HIGH SCHOOL, NOt GRADE SCHOOL.

At 10/23/2006 8:39 PM, Blogger Shelley said...

I can't top any of these stories (although I do have a backyard pee-er), but I had to say thanks for making my day.

At 10/24/2006 5:45 AM, Anonymous L said...

Welllll. . . Caleb and I were standing on a rock outcrop that sort of juts out of Sydney harbour where the ferries come in when he informed me he had to go. I thought I told him to get off the rock outcropping we were standing on stand underneath it so that he would be hidden by the bushes while he went to the bathroom. What I said was, "Go down there." Which is exactly what he did. He pulled his pants down for a thousand people on the passing ferry and aimed right where I told him to go.

You should move to Australia. Kids run around here naked all the time. Really! I think it is because it is so hot in the summer and no one has A/C. I regularly see what looks to be a 3-4 year old kid running around the park naked. Anyway, this is a funny post. I know where you are coming from.

At 10/24/2006 5:46 AM, Anonymous Leslie said...

Ummm ... the last post was me.

At 10/24/2006 1:02 PM, Blogger Susan said...

OMG....that is so gross and so funny at the same time. I HATE POOP! I cannot imagine doing "that" outside! Holy...well, crap.

At 10/26/2006 8:40 PM, Blogger Mama C said...

Seriously? You must be so proud. Thanks for letting me laugh out loud!

At 10/31/2006 9:44 AM, Blogger Cathy said...

For the second day in a row, I have found a blog that needs a warning "Do not eat or drink while reading posts -- you will spew everything in your mouth onto your monitor."

I am sooo glad I am not the only mom of a yard pee-er (I thought I was the only one!)

At 11/01/2006 1:25 PM, Blogger Jenny said...

You had me laughing out loud, Minnie (which Jeana can tell you is quite a feat as I'm usually an exhale-and-grin-silently laugher).

Shoot, down here in Roatan, where the water's out half the time, I force my boys to go to the farthest banana tree on the property to pee. I'll never take a "flush toilet" for granted again. And I pray my boys'll know that peeing on banana trees isn't necessarily recommended back in the US of A.

I'm coming back, next chance I get (which could be a while in rainy season).

At 11/01/2006 1:28 PM, Blogger Jenny said...

Sorry to comment twice, but I meant "I'm coming back to your blog next chance I get." Not necessarily to the US of A. Rainy season makes internet if-y.

At 11/05/2006 8:00 AM, Blogger Janean said...

AAAAHHHHHHH! TOo funny! Found your blog from "Don't Try This At Home" and I'm glad I did. I needed a chuckle this morning.
I've got four's amazing how I can't MAKE the girls go outside (we always have to camp next to a bathroom) but the dude is like "OK, Where ever is good!"
Saw a joke one time that was passed around on the internet (male bashing...but it WAS funny) that said something like "The world is their urinal". And it's true!
And whenever it gets me down I think of that episode of Nanny 911 where the middle kid was afraid of the toilet so the mother walked him outside (downtown, in a major city) to pee whenever he had to go. I laughed myself silly...


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